https://www.patreon.com/posts/tw-entrapment-pt-70111950
Okay my friends, very glad to be back and back on this topic today.
But also… Bear with me, as we’re going to take our material from last week, make a bit of a leap, and streeeetch it into a new conversation.
So, to keep in line with what we’ve been talking about, I’m going to say that we’re looking at the link between unfulfilling, obligatory-defined, exhausting, relationships that seem to be going a whole lot of nowhere… and our PTSD propensity for negative self-appraisal, comorbid depression, and suicidality when we feel like we have no other choice.
But, in reality, this conversation is applicable to our post-traumatic experiences, across the board. What we’re covering here today is NOT necessarily about relationships. At all. That’s just the direction I’m taking it in, in the context of what started this series… which was me trying to write about feeling stuck in a particular interpersonal dynamic and noticing that I’m being a reactive, catastrophizing, overly-enmeshed turd. Seeing that this friendlationship situation has been sparking a lot of depression, negative perspectives, and even – you know, mostly joking – suicidal comments. But they have some basis in my brain, or else they wouldn’t be popping up.
So. Just a heads up. Even if you aren’t the “forever indebted in relationships” type of Fucker… You don’t have to be. You probably want to hear this conversation either way, as it relates to every other circumstance in life and our normal self-hating operational mode, in general.
Cool? Alright.
Let’s do it.
So last week we talked about filial obligation and caregiving anxiety. We covered the sense of servitude we feel towards our family members – our parents, in particular – as they’re aging or enduring health challenges. We also talked about how this fills us with a sense of anxiety that we aren’t doing it correctly or to the necessary degree. AND, the obligatory nature of the whole setup, in which we’re conflicted about our responsibilities but feel a deep motivational drive to keep at it, anyways.
And, of course, I sat over here prompting you to see if those feelings translocate from family trends to broader relationship traits in your life. Do you ALSO feel responsible for people you get close to? And do those feelings circle back at some point to make the caregiving association feel both mandatory and full of anxiety – as it seems like there’s never enough effort you can contribute to the relationship system to make a life-correcting difference for the other party?
Or, again… is it just me who’s always trying to save everyone… at the expense of my own life fulfillment… and possibly at the other person’s expense, as well. Considering, you know, all the efforts in the world can’t FORCE someone to make different choices, develop emotional regulation skills, enact healthier behaviors, or believe in their ability to do any of the above.
Could be that I’m the only care-slingin’ cowboy over here, but… I doubt it. Sounds like a lot of what I hear from the motherfuckers who are new to join the community or find the podcast. There are a lot of helpers and fixers on the TMFRs team, and as much as we WANT to save the people closest to us… we also tend to wind up in a situation that’s doing nothing but depleting our energy, creating new stresses, upticking relationship conflict when we can’t change the dynamic OR the other person, and eventually, slowly, sinking everyone involved.
Let’s chat about the role of perceptions of defeat and entrapment in our PTSD lives. In particular, how they mediate the connection between negative self-appraisals in the areas of emotional coping, situational capability, and perception of social support…. And wanting to throw in the towel.
I guess I’m saying… does anyone else fall into desperate interpersonal situations, expressing the will to die rather than the idea of continuing to reverse-parent, like I do? And is a lot of that backed up by unpleasant thoughts about your self, as it happens?
Eh. If you got this far, you might be in a similar boat. Reminder, I just renamed my relationship history the “Whytanic” and I’m pretty proud of that one.
But, please note one more time that what we talk about today doesn’t have to be applied to relationships! It’s sortof the general PTSD experience, in my eyes, feeling defeated and held in place… even if that place is your own brain or a pattern you can’t break. It can be extended to ANY entrapping-feeling situation, like a shit job, a negative living situation, financial strain, general attempts at living a better life, getting along with your family or friends…
If you want to know where those trauma-typical circumstances start pinging the ole borderline-ish black and white thinking that leads to deciding “death is the best way out”… Well… Apparently it actually might be the way that defeat and inescapability link up with how you start to perceive YOUR SELF.
And actually, that information gives us some clues for methods to escape from that mental zoo. Even when it feels hopeless.
Seems important. So let’s talk about it.
Today we’re going to be covering two different papers on this topic – but both are by the same authors. And one is more of a followup to the other, as they attempt to refine their results and include more information on the role of depression and PTSD symptom severity in this cognitive chain they describe.
So, I’m going to be mashing both of the papers together a bit. Pulling out the information that’s most relevant and puzzle-piecing them together to complete the story in one swoop…. Instead of giving you the results of one, the caveats for its self-described shortcomings, and then describing essentially the same study with a few extra sidenotes.
Cool? Cool.
Let’s hear from a paper called Negative Self-Appraisals and Suicidal Behavior Among Trauma Victims Experiencing PTSD Symptoms: The Mediating Role of Defeat and Entrapment, and another called A Prospective Study of Suicidal Ideation in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: The Role of Perceptions of Defeat and Entrapment. Both led by first author Maria Panagiotti, published in 2012 and 2015, respectively.
They introduce the topic, telling us:
The concepts of defeat and entrapment are derived from the social rank theory of psychopathology that attempts to explain mental health problems, particularly depression, from an evolutionary perspective.
Defeat and entrapment encompass perceptions of failure, loss of status or identity, and a perception of being unable to move forward or escape.
(First of all, before we even go further… Note to Self, do an episode on Social Rank Theory, because “Yes.” Secondly, keep in mind as we read that they repeatedly say “PERCEPTIONS” of this, that, and the other shitty thing. This spring we spent forever talking about how perceptions don’t really mean shit, because they’re bi-directionally informed by our perspectives.
As in, the smaller components – perceptions – can both skew AND be skewed by the overarching stories we make up about them. Both are subject to cognitive distortions, rationalizations, emotional turnings, and old trauma information that’s still corrupting our modern day thoughts.
SO, whenever the authors use the phrase PERCEPTIONS, take a tiny journey in your brain to asterisks that shit as possibly being artifactual or inaccurate assessments. Rarely are we ACTUALLY fully defeated or trapped, but I think with a lifetime of trauma we often FEEL that way.
AND, of course, I think it’s also good practice to extend that side note to all areas of your own life. Our brains lie to us. So I recommend getting in the habit of always asking “is this real?” But… “is this REALLY real? Or is this based on something outdated that’s potentially still hanging around in my subconscious? Or is there other evidence that needs to be integrated with this old, overhead perspective that’s altering all the variables it encompasses?”
Anyways, just gotta integrate our trauma lessons with our continuing education and efforts to have less disastrous outlooks. Or what’s the point of this whole thing?
Anyways. Sorry for the immediate aside. The authors continue:)
It has been suggested that perceptions of being trapped, having no alternative
solutions other than suicide, and negative future perceptions are central precursors to
the emergence of suicidal thoughts as a means of escape.
(I think we can also tie in the time distortions episodes here, and say that the negative future orientation is problematic. Drives anxiety. And now we’re also hearing, drives suicidality – which fits in line with the impulsivity that it creates. But anyways, they continue:)
Moreover, defeat and entrapment share some parallels with the concepts of perceived burdensomeness (sense of being a burden upon others) and thwarted belongingness (absence of meaningful connections with others),
(So, already, I would agree from my own experiences. How about you?
When I go back to the times I was honestly suicidally ideated, those perceptions of failure, lack of other choices, and the future being already decided inter-played reaaaaal shittily with additional perceptions of being a burden on others and their general distaste for me as a human being.
Feeling like I never belonged and never would, there was no hope for making changes, and I would perpetually be lonely and/or hated by everyone I tried to connect with… was the name of the game. My family still pulls out that chess set for me when given the chance.
Do you have similar memories of your spiraling thoughts including concerns of being a lonely burden – distant past, recent, or present?
Anyways, just nice to see your thought-chains written out in research papers sometimes. And I validate their introductory information as true-to-life. And if you’re thinking all of this sounds a lot like learned hopelessness or helplessness… you’d be dead-on.
They continue:)
In a recent meta-analysis, the outcomes indicated that comorbid depression might account for the association between PTSD and suicidality. Hopelessness has been postulated by numerous theoretical models… to be one important or necessary component of suicide.
Empirically, hopelessness has been found to be a strong psychological risk factor for suicidal ideation in a wide range of clinical populations including those with PTSD. Furthermore, there is evidence that depression and hopelessness conceptually overlap with defeat and entrapment.
(We know this, right? Or, at least feel it in our guts? Hopelessness, defeat, entrapment, depression, suicidality, and PTSD… what is one without all the rest when you have CPTSD? I would say that they all overlap in an orgy of sticky fluids no one RSVP’d to. For me, being in a trauma-state means living in a cloud of all of the above. Plus, toss in the anxiety and lack of behavioral management that comes with those hopeless future postulations about endless life imprisonment, and we’ve got a real party.
Anyways, now let’s get to the real inspiration for these papers – what exactly are they trying to figure out?)
First study aim: The overarching aim of the current study was to test a mediational model whereby perceptions of defeat and entrapment mediated the relationship between three types of negative self-appraisals, namely, emotion coping, situation coping, social support, and suicidal
behavior. These three types of self-appraisals may be crucial in understanding the underlying psychological mechanisms of suicidal behavior.
Second study: examines whether defeat/ entrapment mediated the effects of three well-known risk factors (PTSD severity, comorbid depressive symptoms, and hopelessness).
(To rationalize these aims, they give us context from past literature, telling us:)
Recent studies have emphasized the role of defeat and entrapment in the development of suicidal behavior in clinical and nonclinical populations and recently in those with PTSD.
Two contemporary theoretical models of suicide, the Cry of Pain model and its successor the Schematic Appraisals Model of Suicide (SAMS), postulated that perceptions of defeat and entrapment are core psychosocial-cognitive processes that underlie suicidal thoughts and behaviors transdiagnostically. Both models view suicidality as the only available means of escape from the intolerable distress caused by defeat/entrapment.
(Okay, so we’re going to be referring a bit to the Cry of Pain model and what I’ll refer to as the SAMS model (that was Schematic Appraisals Model of Suicide, in case you missed it). Let’s learn a bit more about what those concepts have determined so far.)
Both, the SAMS and the Cry of Pain (CoP) model share one central argument that suicidal thoughts and behaviors emerge as a means of escape from the increasingly severe feelings of defeat and entrapment… which include perceptions of loss, failure, and inability to move or escape.
In the context of the Cry of Pain model, defeat and entrapment are viewed as two distinct psychological processes, with the latter being more proximal to suicide than the former. In particular, the Cry of Pain model proposes the existence of a temporal order between the two processes in that perceptions of defeat give rise to perceptions of entrapment which in turn lead to suicide.
(Okay, interesting, right? The Cry of Pain model – sortof an emo-metal-core name, I’d say – tells us that there’s an order to this cognitive process. Assessments of defeat and entrapment are separate events, and they feed into each other in a predictable manner. FIRST you feel defeated, THEN you feel trapped, and as a final measure, you decide that suicide is the only way out.
Agree or disagree? I’d love to know.
Anyways, they continue, telling us about the other one – the SAMS model. Which, I’ll just tell you, indicates that perceptions of defeat and entrapment are actually one and the same cognitive event. So there’s a bit of a difference, even though they’re close.
Furthermore, the SAMS model takes us into the real core of the issue we’re here to talk about today. How self-perception plays into this system, leading to suicidality. Our authors say:)
A core prediction of the SAMS model is the enactment of a negatively biased appraisals system in those who are suicidal. The appraisal system comprises evaluative judgments, beliefs, and attitudes held by suicidal individuals.
Two types of negative appraisals are considered important in the context of the SAMS model: (1) situation appraisals (e.g. past, current, and future situation) which might include negative perceptions of clinical symptoms or psychiatric illness, and (2) self-appraisals which encompass negatively distorted evaluations of personal attributes, cognitive and problem solving abilities, and accessibility to social resources and rescue factors.
(Okay, things are getting interesting now, aren’t they? We’re entering inner critic territory AND touching on social support systems… Both of which are perceptions that we know can wildly skew our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Like, from the moment you wake up every day. Agree?
Well, buckle up, it’s about to get real-er. They say:)
Negative self-appraisals might be particularly deleterious since they are hypothesized to interact and strengthen negative situation appraisals.
(OH THEY SURE FUCKING DO. All caps.
If you feel shitty about yourself, you feel shitty about everything that self does, amiright? Even if an event SEEMED to go okay… that 3am obsessive thought spiral about all the ways you probably fucked it up somehow – because that’s “ALL” you perceive that you do – will circle back to make you question reality. Time to overanalyze every look, word, and tone of the evening.. And, that will make you feel worse about yourself as a side effect of originally feeling negatively about yourself, whether or not you have trustworthy evidence for any of it going to hell.
Yeah? I’m not the only one? Right? Self-assessment and situational-assessment are dearly linked? Lack of self-confidence ruining everything, you might call it?
Anyways, they continue:)
Both, situation appraisals and self-appraisals are hypothesized to act on suicidal behavior by giving rise to, and amplifying, feelings of defeat and entrapment.
(Would agree.)
In the current study, we were particularly interested in examining the second type of negative appraisals (e.g. self-appraisals) in relation to perceptions of defeat and entrapment and suicidal behavior. There is empirical evidence that negative self-appraisals, such as negative appraisals of social support, are associated with suicidal behavior in those experiencing traumatic events and PTSD.
(“Feeling alone on this planet” has historically been my most potent trigger. How about you?)
Furthermore, a recent study found that subjective negative appraisals of functional impairment were strongly associated with suicidal behavior in those with PTSD.
(Agree again. Refer to that episode on overcompensation and collapse cycles. Essentially our biggest worry as human beings is trying to remain functional to an “acceptable degree.” If we don’t, then we don’t believe we’re carrying any social value, yeah? And then our survival brains tell us that we’re fucking doomed – beyond whatever tasks we let slide, we’re also worthless to everyone. Pings back to that “perception of being burdensome” point we already hit on today.)
Based on the predictions of the SAMS model, Taylor et al. found that defeat and entrapment fully mediated the effect of negative appraisals of both problem solving abilities and social support on suicidal behavior among university students.
(So they’re saying in this study, college students negatively perceived their abilities to perform and to garner socal connection, leading to feelings of defeat and entrapment, leading to suicidality.
But this self-perception thing goes even further.)
Johnson et al. proposed that three particular types of self-appraisals are particularly important in understanding the mechanisms behind suicidal behavior. These self-appraisals concern the individual’s ability to handle difficult life circumstances.
In particular, the three types of self-appraisals are related to the individuals’ perceived ability to 1) cope with their emotions, 2) to handle difficult situations or problems, and 3) to access social support. The above self-appraisals in their positive form confer resilience to suicide, whereas in their negative form, they increase the risk for suicide because they give rise to severe feelings of defeat and entrapment.
(Let me list those again. Those damning negative self-appraisals were the perceived ability to 1) cope with emotions, 2) to handle difficult situations or problems, and 3) to access social support.
Seems important to hit those hard, because those sound like very common concerns I hear and also experience. And, yeah, putting them all together, they do sound pretty fucking defeating and entrapping if you don’t believe yourself capable in these areas, right?
“I can’t handle my emotions, so I can’t handle this situation, so no one cares about me anyways.” Or, reverse it. Jumble up the order. It all seems justifiably logical to a stupid fucking brain with a negativity bias.
Again, one perception feeds into the next, and you’ve got a whole shit soup stewing in your head. Hard to pull out any one particular ingredient to examine or dispel it – those flavors have festered together into one pro-suicide potluck.
Anyways, here’s the point of the whole study, one more time:)
In the current study, we aimed to test a mediational pathway whereby three types of Self-appraisals (emotion coping, problem solving/situation coping, and social support) act on suicidal behavior indirectly… via their effect on perceptions of defeat and entrapment among individuals experiencing PTSD symptoms in the past month.
(And let us define)
The concept of suicidal behavior has been conceptualized as a spectrum which includes a range of suicidal thoughts, plans, and attempts in this study.
(Cool! Now, out of the introductory information and onto their findings.)
Our authors say:)
The results confirmed the… perceptions of defeat and entrapment fully mediated the impact of all the three types of self-appraisals on suicidal behavior.
(SO, they’re saying it appears as though having negative self-perceptions feeds into feelings of entrapment and defeat, and from THERE, we enter into suicidal ideation and planning. We assess that we’re incapable of handling our emotions, particular situations or events, and finding social support… and from that point we feel hopeless to the point of giving up.
They continue:)
Support was also obtained that defeat and entrapment represent a unique generic psychological mechanism which worsens suicidal behavior in a wide range of populations including those with PTSD. Furthermore, the postulation of the SAMS model, that negative self-appraisals are core aspects of suicidal behavior because they give rise to severe feelings of defeat and entrapment which in turn lead to suicidal behavior, was supported by the current pattern of findings.
(Additionally), when controlling for PTSD symptom severity, perceptions of defeat and entrapment continued to fully mediate the effect of negative self-appraisals of emotion and situation coping on suicidal behavior.
(So being in a highly traumatized versus more grounded state doesn’t change the outcome once those perceptions get rolling. Makes sense, I think we can be free of memory intrusions and nervous system upsets and still feel shitty about ourselves, our circumstances, and everything in life. Sounds like a pretty standard for CPTSD depressive state where you’re falling back on old narratives, even if you’re not in the throes of post-traumatic stress. Yeah?
But here comes the surprising result:)
Only negative appraisals of social support were not found to be associated (directly or indirectly through defeat and entrapment) with suicidal behavior after controlling for PTSD symptom severity.
This finding suggests that certain types of negative self-appraisals may have a more critical effect on the development of suicidal behavior compared to other types of self-appraisals.
(Which… is a bit unexpected to me, based on everything we’ve learned about the importance of social support as protective factors against PTSD development. Right? When I feel socially unsupported I definitely tend to be more reactive, desperate, hopeless, and generally more negatively-self-appraising than when I have social support. Kindof a weird result there.
But let us also point out that they said “after controlling for PTSD symptom severity” this was the finding. So, if you’re in a super trauma-triggered time, social support might be far more important than when you’re not experiencing the worst of your post-traumatic symptoms.
And that aligns better with my own experiences “slash” knowledge of you all’s trauma.
I’ll lone wolf it all fucking day without a problem… you know, until my brain starts falling into trauma-developed parts, flashbacks are sending me down emotional spirals, my anxiety hits level 11, and my nervous system is going off the rails. THEN, suddenly I’m aware of my lack of social support being problematic, to a “why even bother” degree.
But another interesting point they find is this one:)
It was found that defeat/entrapment scores predicted changes in the levels of suicidal ideation at follow-up while controlling for baseline suicidal ideation, PTSD severity, comorbid depressive symptoms, and hopelessness.
The reverse association, in which suicidal ideation at baseline predicted changes in the levels of defeat/entrapment at follow-up, was not supported, indicating the presence of a unidirectional relationship between perceived defeat/entrapment and suicidal ideation.
These findings advance the previous research examining the mechanisms of suicidality in
PTSD in two ways. First, evidence was obtained that defeat/ entrapment prospectively predicts suicidal ideation in PTSD, and, second, it was shown that perceived defeat/entrapment leads to changes in suicidal ideation, rather than being a consequence of the experience of suicidal ideation. Thus, the direction of the association between suicidal ideation and perceived defeat/entrapment was clarified.
(So they’re saying, you don’t fall into suicidality AND THEN feel defeated and entrapped down the line. It’s a one-way street. Sounds common sense, but I think it does actually shine some light on what’s going on in our brains. And I think that’s powerful information to give us a place to start walking our cognitions back to safety, right?
So, whew, long research integration read over with. But here’s the part that matters. Now that we’ve gotten all this information and validation… Maybe let’s chat quickly about the implications for helping ourselves out of a bad place next. What do you say?)
So, good news bad news time.
From the paper, they say:
“Thus, perceptions of defeat and entrapment might be used in clinical practice as early indicators of suicide risk. Second, psychological interventions which aim to reduce suicide risk in those with PTSD should target both clinical symptoms and subjective negative appraisals (i.e. including specific negative self-appraisals and more general perceptions of defeat and entrapment). Cognitive behavioral therapies have been found to reduce suicide risk and thus may provide a useful context for targeting negative subjective appraisals and perceptions of defeat and entrapment.”
Right on. So if our feelings of entrapment and defeat lead to suicidality. And negative self-appraisals of emotional coping and capability to handle certain situations lead to entrapment and defeat. Then all we need to do when we’re really trapped in a 6-foot-under outlook is… to change our negative self-appraisals, right?
Bad news being, that’s not a very easy goal. We’re filled with inner critic rumblings and lifetimes of imposed shame. Negative self-concept tends to be our middle name, at least at certain points when our trauma is being triggered or we’re struggling emotionally.
So. Ya know. Take the idea and decide you’re going to MAKE YOUR BRAIN THINK DIFFERENTLY, is my suggestion. You’re probably not going to miraculously feel better about yourself one day, and if you DO, it probably won’t last longer than your next opportunity to doubt those views.
But – like they recommend with CBT – if you go ahead and experimentally PROVE different perceptions are more accurate to your own being… you can start that rewiring process to get out of the negative self-appraisal loop of doom. Right?
Meaning, you’re probably going to need to go out and have some immersive experiences in demonstrating that you ARE capable of handling both your emotions and your shit in challenging situations.
I’d recommend also proving to yourself that you have access to social support, even though the research didn’t measure that to be as important. Uh, I still disagree.
So.. I’d encourage you to purposely, intentionally, with the supervision of a therapist, push yourself out of your comfort zone in these ways. See if you CAN bring yourself back down from a negative emotional spiral. See if you CAN go to a new place despite your anxiety and survive it just fine. See if you CAN face your family or some other triggering situation and keep your head on your shoulders.
Increase your positive self-perceptions by challenging your negative ones. Gather better data. Form new perspectives based on those more up-to-date and based-in-reality perceptions. And lean on that perspective to re-inform your individual perceptions whenever they start to get fucky again.
Change how you feel about you. Your Self. And see how that changes your feelings of defeat or entrapment. Theoretically, that should bring you back from the edge of the cliff you were about to throw yourself off of as you’re training yourself to think more critically and rely on newer information – relative to whatever shitty old thoughts about your unacceptability you were focusing on.
Your relationship to your self can be the mediating factor that ends hopelessness, no matter what situation you’ve been feeling imprisoned in.
FOR ME, that just happens to have been a lot of relational obligations lately. Was feeling personally incorrect for my assessments of poorly emotionally coping with them and incapability to continue handling the circumstances indefinitely. Plus, I WILL say that lack of social support played right into feeling more alone, hopeless, helpless, and generally “wrong.” Thus, all of these negative self-appraisals WERE contributing to my brain making the next logical leap…
“You are trapped. There is no way out. And you’ve already lost, despite all your best attempts.”
And THAT fed back into some suicidality. Or, at least, some very black and white statements about where I would rather be – in the cold, cold ground. All of which, you’ll hear in the next episodes that I’m finally releasing. The ones that sparked this whole research venture. The ones where I tell you about my friendlationship that got so deeply enmeshed, without any positive outcomes being produced after a while, that I started hating MYSELF and wishing for an easy exit.
Given, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m not in crisis. Those are some old parts talking, and they get pulled back into line when I DO manage my emotions and reframe difficult situations, rather quickly. So, don’t go sending me “are you okay” messages. Please.
But, to stay in line with this “relationship soul sucking” focus… Next week I’m going to introduce you to my friend Beef. Not his real name, but one of my favorite nicknames I’ve produced. And we’re going to touch on the challenges that this companionship has re-ignited in my trauma brain. Which was in full force when I wrote the first two posts on this enigma of a human being.
PLUS, we’ll cover the common trauma patterns at play that I think we can all relate to on some level. More trauma-relationship commonalities, talking about prior versions of self, bonding OVER trauma AND in the midst of it, and this current global nightmare making relationship dynamics extra prone to fuckery at the moment.
We’ll also talk about functional communication, firm boundaries, and helping others seek help for themselves – so you (hopefully) don’t keep shouldering a burden that you’re not equipped to handle. AKA, talking diagnoses and finding targeted professional help, ideally without upsetting the other party.
So. Those two episodes will be released – probably at the Get Connected level and higher… because, uh, they’re super personal, and I also think they need a higher level of trauma understanding “slash” Self versus reactive brain insight to not judge the fuck out of me. Sortof was in my trauma brain, being a dick.
Although, in the weeks since writing them, I can tell you… I actually was very kind to my friend, believe it or not. I left a LOOOOTTTTT of information and frustration out… and because of that sparse sprinkling of details trying not to be a bully about it, I think I missed a lot of the background story.
Eh. You’ll hear what I mean.
But the point of these last two posts, leading into the next few has been… Our relationships are often built on obligation and anxiety about that caregiving we feel driven to provide… and TO ME, at least, both obligation and servitude anxiety amount to one thing. Feeling trapped.
When all those efforts don’t lead to positive outcomes, I start feeling hopeless and defeated. And underlying ALL of those perceptions… is the fact that I don’t assess myself very kindly, on a default-mode basis. If I WAS feeling good about myself, the way that I was when I first met my friend Beef… I don’t think that I would have wound up repeatedly saying “I would rather die than keep this relationship dynamic up, because I can’t handle it and it’s killing me anyways.”
But such is life. My emotions got wonky. I perceived them as such. My life-situation got even more fucked up than it was when I met Beef living in my car and tent. I perceived it to be worse and less fixable than it truly was. My social support went out the window as I isolated myself in this obligatory caregiving relationship dynamic with Beef. And next thing you know… trauma brain creates a lot of helpless stories that sound victimy and resentful at the same time.
So enjoy those.
And don’t forget the new community initiative… PLEASE SHARE YOUR OWN SHITSHOW. You asked for it, I’m bringing it back. Send in your recorded or written response to these episodes on obligation, caregiving relationships, feeling trapped and defeated in any circumstances, or whatever else you got out of this series.
They’ll be sewn together in a community collaborative post, to be released later in the month, so we can hear the insights of the entire Blanket Fort instead of just my voice yapping away.
If none of y’all send your stories, we’re going to have a silent week. So. No pressure, but you’re getting what ya asked for… I hope you’re ready to share your story loud and proud.
And, additionally, if you’re willing to participate, I’m giving you ANOTHER thing you asked for. When you send in your written or recorded share… Please let me know if there’s an email address that others can reach you at. We want to start a little direct penpal system for y’all to get social support straight from others in the community.
And also, please try to send your sharable story by the 14th of this month, August 2022, if you could! The 16th at the very latest!
But if you hear this late and still want to participate, don’t hesitate. I’ll release your recording in another episode. Folks still need to hear it.
Annnnd I hope this was something that you needed to hear today, too, Fucker.
Til we speak again… don’t be so hard on your self-perceptions. Don’t believe your stupid fucking brain when it tells you that you’re unworthy or incapable. That you’re trapped or powerless. And don’t ever feel so alone or desperate that you decide there’s no other way forward. You’re not. We’re here.
You’re capable. You’re functional. You’re loved. You’re valued. You’re wanted. And you’re not alone in any of this.
Those are just your outdated perspectives informing your negatively-slanted perceptions. But we’re all here to convince you otherwise.
Love you Fuckers. Thanks for being my only social support and self-reappraisal system.
Hail your Self.
Hail Archie.
And cheers, my friends.