We first talked about the topic in 2022. So what inspired this FilOb review and reassessment in 2024? I didn’t really get into personal matters on the show, but I’ll tell you in the community sphere.
- Past: It was Filial Duty – my grandmother undergoing medical treatments – that brought me back into family contact end of 2022. Spoilers: this was leveraged as a manipulative ploy.
- Present: Since being back in the family circle, it’s obvious that Filial Piety is the name of the maternal (Narc) expectation game.
- Future: Throughout observing my mother’s abusive habits, I have been churning many thoughts about her imminent eldercare.
And so, the Filial Morality conversation was reopened.
First lesson: Filial Modeling and ‘Emergency’ Response
My brain has been spun out about FilOb since close to the holidays, 2022. Suddenly my mother (who I was NC with) reached out to tell me that my grandmother had been suffering from several issues. First up: bladder cancer. A few months later: spinal cancer?
In her relay of what was happening with my grandma, it was clear that my mom was overwhelmed. Though my grandma lives independently, my mother was assisting her mother with getting to doctor appointments and making sense of test results. Plus, trying to keep her safe during some off-base behaviors that were taking place.
And like an idiot, my stupid, stupid, little brain said “that sounds difficult and overloading, I’d better get involved.”
But… remember… we found that a strong predictor for high functioning filial obligation behaviors is? Parental modelling. Seeing our parents care for their parents inspires us to do the same. And I found myself firmly within this enchanting spell of martyrsom-doing-gooding.
My mom assisted her mom, so I felt strangely inspired to assist my mother, in turn. That Indirect Golden Rule spoken of by Li seems to exist.
SO, here I go. Realizing that my brothers will be zero help in this matter, I put on my fucking cape. I move my ass back up to Northern Illinois from my safe space down in South Carolina in 2023.
“Let me get closer to my family so I can lend my support, while they support each other,” I said.
Fun finding: My grandma is fine! By the time I’m moved, everyone has seemingly forgotten about her medical scares. The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her after many tests over many months. There’s still no conclusion about the potential bone cancer. But fuckit! She’s now spontaneously feeling better, and that seems to be good enough for everyone!
The doctor appointments end. Everything goes back to normal. My mother pretends the Filial Obligation never was of concern or reality. She refuses to make further considerations for the day that her 87 yo mother eventually does require assistance. Despite my prodding to think about long term plans, we all stick our heads back in the sand.
Okay, fine. I guess it was all for naught. But here I am, back in the clan.
From this I learn…
I’m highly influenced by my family needing help. Hearing that my mother was overwhelmed sucked me right back in, despite the fact that I was separated for safety and had mannnny misgivings about recontact.
There’s something to be said about gender. Neither of my brothers (who already lived in the area) were involved in the Filial Care or any downstream favors that could be granted to ease the burden on our mother. (No, they do not have families or other extenuating circumstances)
Filial Obligation modeling is a very real motivator. I almost BEGGED for ways to help in solidarity.
Filial Morality is a potent point of manipulation. If you have a heart, you’re primed to be pulled in. If you’re influenced by opinions about you or disappointing others, you’re at risk. If you struggle with overempathizing, you’re easy to play upon.
Giving help to some people is nearly impossible. They will not engage with your offers. They will not tell you what they want or need. They would prefer that you guess, to spare them the indignancy of making a request.
Others will tell you exactly what they need, in the form of demands. These demands may not be accurate or addressing the greatest concerns, however, they enjoy the sense of control and authority.
Creating villains and flying monkeys is part of the fun. Those receiving Filial Care will work to turn caregivers against family members, family members against professionals, professionals against caregivers, etc.
Manipulative Filial Obligation is deeply connected to Vulnerable Narcissism. A perfect way to be the victim? Become a martyr and refuse to allow anyone to deliver you care.
In doing so, VulNarcs also convince us to “let bygones be bygones” in order to “be the bigger person and step up to the plate.” They coerce people who feel sorry for them back into their web and convince them to rededicate themselves to the cause, through “not asking – but showing – their helplessness.”
Next Filial lesson. The DAILY obligations of a Narc relationship
In my attempt to move back near my family, some interesting decisions had to be made. The housing/rental markets made traditional living situations impossible to access, so I got creative.
I bought a bigass RV trailer, stuck it on my mom’s horse property, and called it home.
This came with many benefits, but also many, many, pitfalls. Such as… being anywhere near my mother AND in a position where she could feel superior.
Cue the daily demands.
When you come from a family of narcissists, there’s no end to the duties that are expected of you. From birth, you’ve been a pawn in supporting their ego, emotions, and sense of normalcy. Every interaction is an opportunity to be informed of what you should be doing to assist the narc – directly or passive aggressively.
And it became quickly apparent that these unspoken expectations and resulting resentment were festering in the background of every day I was present on my mom’s property. Being ALIVE means that I’m meant to be serving her. Being alive and on her property? Means that she expects an unfathomable dedication to addressing her comforts. Anything less is a disrespect, and warfare will follow.
Which, you eventually come to realize, has been taking place all along. The point OF relationship for some family members is to have people obligated to them. Being related to them means you will never escape from their sense of entitlement. Your life is a tool to improve theirs.
(Why didn’t you _____ for them? Despite not being informed that they needed ____?)
It’s a slow burning, insideious, Filial Obligation that invades your psyche and turns you into a fear-driven servant. Always redirecting your thoughts back to their experience, and attempting to soothe them before they begin screaming.
If you’ve grown up with it your entire life, it feels a lot like ‘a normal day at home.’
In reality, it’s a form of mental illness-driven Filial Obligation you were born into. Welcome to the family!
Here’s what I learned:
In Filial situations, there are secret favors that you’re expected to fawn over; if it has to be mentioned aloud because you didn’t successfully mindread, you’re already fucked.
There are also demanded chores and favors that will come out of the blue, which MUST override whatever plans you already had. If you even hesitate to do so? You are fucked.
When dealing with elder family members with Narc tendencies there is a general “respect” that must always (ALWAYS) be kept in your mind. If you aren’t continually thinking about how excellent the Narc is or how you can assist them in furthering their excellence, you, again, are fucked.
You will be punished for other people failing to meet their Filial duties. One child is the same as every child to the VulNarc. “NO ONE helps me.” By association and the need for matyrdom narratives, you are fucked.
In fact, nothing is ever enough Filial Piety! Your life should be a testament to your devotion to your narc-rent. (A very Eastern view) Any decision you make that does not fit within their line of logic? Is an aggression against them. Ya fucked.
Any expressions of gratitude will be fleeting and far between. Also, the favors that earn the appreciation will be nearly instantaneously forgotten. If you bring them up or point out dismissed realities? Youknowyou’refucked.
Filial plans and a consequential lesson for MamaNarc
From these experiences and plenty of events I’m not mentioning, it’s been on my mind…
“What’s the long term plan here?”
Looking at the potential for Filial Obligation, it’s rather shakey.
Though my bones say “be a good child,” my heart and brain say, “you’ve really done the best that you could.” And I’ve been privileged enough to gather evidence of this fact in the past year.
My mother has demonstrated very little care for her mother, her children, or the rest of the world. She absolutely anticipates that she will be carried on a velvet pillow someday. She does not have adequate resources for a comfortable retirement. She definitely has made no plans of her own for old age, and refuses to care for herself sufficiently to minimize the damage she’s doing to her 65 year old body.
On a personal note, she is not a big fan of mine. There is demonstrable preference for my brothers. When they aren’t ‘huge assholes like their dad’ she’s already in the process of throwing them a parade. And she does not antagonize them in recent years; she won’t express her complaints to them, nor will she follow through with consequences for their bad behaviors.
This discepancy in care and concern (primariy for herself, secondarily for her sons) has been churning away in my brain. “Enjoy each other, I’m fucking out.”
And yet… I also have this gnawing feeling that it’s not allowed. That abandoning my Filial Duties would be incorrect. Even if there’s no indication that they would proceed positively, somehow, it’s been ingrained in these neural pathways that I MUST pony up to the job in order to meet some social and spiritual standard.
Which is when I started researching the Philosophies behind Filial Morality, seeking words that explained the subconscious stresses.
So where does that leave things?
When you throw in the laundry list of cruelties accrued, I can no longer say that I’m debating the potential of being her caregiver down the line.
There have been defining moments in our interactions that have solidified the reality, “this is not a mutual relationship.” Which has cemented the decision, “so I’m not obliged to pretend that it is.”
Though I believe there’s some merit to caring for your parents as a human experience, this lifetime has already been devoted to that point. My life was created in testament to my mother and has been centered around her comfort ever since.
Grand conclusions?
Pulling the East and West together, and putting a bit of a shithead spin on it?
I believe my brothers AND my mother would benefit from Filial Obligation together, moreso than anyone would be touched by my involvement. People who aren’t used to providing care (my brothers) can gain that new human experience and learn important self-realization lessons. Meanwhile, the matriarch who had only negative experiences with men in life can (maybe?) end her turmoil by finding reliance and real relationship with the two she produced. If Filial Obligation is for ‘everyone’s ascension,’ it’s best that I leave the spiritual and personal development for these Fuckers. It’s a gift to them, really.
But really – my involvement in any situation seems to stir the family pot. At the same time, it breaks my brain. The outlook for participating in a one-on-one relationship with my mother when she’s of good health is damning. The potential for engaging with more members of the family while her physical vitality fails (and, with it, her mental coping skill of continually moving) is not a positive one.
Considering her general attitude towards me – dismissive and dominating – I don’t feel that a Filial relationship as she ages is fated for us. A No Contact arrangement is looming.
So…
I have mixed feelings to say “I look forward to my mother learning about consequences of her interpersonal actions, even if it’s coming decades late,”
… but here I am, typing the words anyways.
It’s not to say that I feel GOOD about these decisions. It hurts to forthrightedly “reject” a family member; it feels like a reminder of core wounds. As if I’m saying, “I recognize that I can never fix this relationship and I give up, I will never receive the care or recognition that I desire from this person.”
But it also feels empowering to make the CHOICE.
To recognize that this is reality – I WON’T ever fix the relationship or the brain behind it.
And to make intentional plans from that solid base of knowledge (which has only been further solidified through this past year of torment back around the family nest).
In the meantime, I will be around and available, in case family brains or relftationships do ever start to improve. If I’m presently living in the area, I will gladly partake in caring for my Grandmother when the time comes. But I will not live my life via waiting for the day that I can “finally be of use.” Nor will I be the foolish caregiver of a woman who doesn’t recognize the unconditional love I’ve been sending her way, every moment of every day, since she brought me here to be her living memorial.
We’ll see what happens in the future with more growth and more learning.
But for now, I can say, beyond what I have to do in the present situation to keep the Narc peace?
I’m not going to be a participant in my mother’s elderyear Filial Obligations.
What about you?
Hugs Jess x I am standing so close in your shoes.
🙏❤️ and I’m sorry to hear that… But hoping your shoes are walking away, like mine are…