Bittles from my internet research, found in my personal docs.
Vulnerable narcissists traits
Introverted and high in neuroticism
Not forgiving
Constant negativity, broadly
No compromise/healing
Feeling hated at all times
Non-productive arguments, nothing can be said to help, arguing to cause pain, ability to argue until the other person is just worn down – but eventually they end the argument quickly when they’re tired of it
Anger/hatred constantly bubbling below the surface. Victim KNOWS how to start fight, but doesn’t.
Accusations without evidence on a regular basis (BPD and Paranoid personality disorder)
Sexual narcissism (prove that you love them enough/won’t leave (BPD))
Poor listening skills disguised as good listening skills (attend to conversation well enough to “pass” while being off in another world)
Disgust for friends (jealous of time spent with others, guilt trip, high attachment anxiety and possession)
Repeated grand efforts to change (struggle at some level to change that fails long term – better insight, to some extent, but incapability to make meaningful change)
Signs of Covert Narcissism https://www.healthline.com/health/covert-narcissist
The term “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot. It’s often used as a catch-all to describe people with any traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
These people might seem self-centered or so focused on their own importance that they’ve lost touch with reality. Or maybe they don’t appear to care about others and rely on manipulation to get what they want.
In reality, NPD isn’t that simple. It occurs on a broad spectrum that involves a range of potential traits. Experts generally agree that there are four distinct subtypes. One of these is covert narcissism, also called vulnerable narcissism.
Covert narcissism usually involves fewer external signs of “classic” NPD. People still meet criteria for diagnosis but have traits that aren’t usually associated with narcissism, such as:
shyness
humility
sensitivity to what others think of them
The following signs may also point to covert narcissism. Keep in mind that only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose a mental health condition.
If you’ve noticed these traits in a loved one, encourage them to seek support from a therapist trained to help people with personality disorders.
High sensitivity to criticism
NPD typically involves insecurity and an easily damaged sense of self-esteem. This can manifest in covert narcissism as extreme sensitivity to criticism.
This sensitivity isn’t unique to NPD, of course. Most people don’t love criticism, even constructive criticism. But paying attention to how someone responds to real or perceived criticism can offer more insight on whether you’re looking at narcissistic sensitivity.
People with covert narcissism might make dismissive or sarcastic remarks and act as if they’re above the criticism. But internally, they might feel empty, humiliated, or enraged.
Criticism threatens their idealized view of themselves. When they receive a critique instead of admiration, they can take it pretty hard.
Passive aggression
Most people have probably used this manipulation tactic at one time or another, possibly without realizing it. But people with covert narcissism often use passive-aggressive behavior to convey frustration or make themselves look superior.
Two main reasons drive this behavior:
the deep-seated belief their “specialness” entitles them to get what they want
the desire to get back at people who wronged them or had greater success
Passive-aggressive behavior can involve:
sabotaging someone’s work or friendships
teasing or mocking remarks framed as jokes
silent treatment
subtle blame-shifting that makes other people feel bad or question what really happened
procrastinating on tasks they consider beneath them
A tendency to put themselves down
A need for admiration is a key trait of NPD. This need often leads people to boast about their achievements, often by exaggerating or outright lying.
Maury Joseph, PsyD, suggests this may be related to internal self-esteem issues.
“People with narcissism have to spend a lot of time making sure they don’t feel bad feelings, that they don’t feel imperfect or ashamed or limited or small,” he explains.
People with covert narcissism also rely on others to build up their self-esteem, but instead of talking themselves up, they tend to put themselves down.
They might speak modestly about their contributions with an underlying goal of earning compliments and recognition. Or they may offer a compliment to get one in return.
A shy or withdrawn nature
Covert narcissism is more strongly linked to introversion than other types of narcissism.
This relates to narcissistic insecurity. People with NPD are deeply afraid of having their flaws or failures seen by others. Exposing their innermost feelings of inferiority would shatter the illusion of their superiority. Avoiding social interactions helps lower the chances of exposure.
People with covert narcissism may also avoid social situations or relationships that lack clear benefits. They simultaneously feel superior and tend to distrust others.
Research from 2015 also points out that managing the distress associated with NPD can be emotionally draining, leaving little energy for developing meaningful relationships.
Grandiose fantasies
People with covert narcissism generally spend more time thinking about their abilities and achievements than talking about them. They might seem smug or have a “I’ll show you” attitude.
“They may withdraw into fantasy, into an inner narrative world that’s not equivalent to reality, where they have inflated importance, powers, or a specialness that is opposite of what their actual life is like,” Joseph says.
Fantasies could involve:
being recognized for their talents and promoted at work
being admired for their attractiveness everywhere they go
receiving praise for saving people from a disaster
Feelings of depression, anxiety, and emptiness
Covert narcissism involves a higher risk of co-occurring depression and anxiety than other types of narcissism.
There are two major reasons for this:
Fear of failure or exposure may contribute to anxiety.
Frustration over idealized expectations not matching up with real life, and the inability to get needed appreciation from others, can trigger feelings of resentment and depression.
Feelings of emptiness and thoughts of suicide are also associated with covert narcissism.
“People under deep pressure to be pleasing and likable to themselves have to go to great lengths to keep that up and preserve their self-esteem. Failing to keep up that illusion involves the bad feelings that come with the reality of failure,” Joseph says.
A tendency to hold grudges
Someone with covert narcissism may hold grudges for a long time.
When they believe someone’s treated them unfairly, they might feel furious but say nothing in the moment. Instead, they’re more likely to wait for an ideal opportunity to make the other person look bad or get revenge in some way.
This revenge might be subtle or passive-aggressive. For example, they might start a rumor or sabotage the person’s work.
They may also hold grudges against people who earn the praise or recognition they think they’re entitled to, such as a co-worker who receives a well-deserved promotion.
These grudges can lead to bitterness, resentment, and a desire for revenge.
Envy
People with NPD often envy people who have things they feel they deserve, including wealth, power, or status. They also often believe others envy them because they’re special and superior.
People with covert narcissism may not outwardly discuss these feelings of envy, but they might express bitterness or resentment when they don’t get what they believe they deserve.
Feelings of inadequacy
When people with covert narcissism can’t measure up to the high standards they set for themselves, they may feel inadequate in response to this failure.
These feelings of inadequacy can trigger:
shame
anger
a sense of powerlessness
Joseph suggests this is based in projection.
People with NPD have unrealistic standards for themselves, so they unconsciously assume other people also hold them to these standards. To live up to them, they’d have to be superhuman. When they realize they are, in fact, just human, they feel ashamed of this “failure.”
Self-serving ‘empathy’
Contrary to popular belief, it’s possible for people with NPD to at least show empathy. But they spend so much time trying to build up their self-esteem and establish their importance that this often gets in the way, according to Joseph.
People with covert narcissism, in particular, may seem to have empathy for others. They might seem willing to help others out or take on extra work.
You might see them performing an act of kindness or compassion, such as giving money and food to someone sleeping on the street, or offering their spare bedroom to a family member who was evicted.
But they generally do these things to win the approval of others. If they don’t receive praise or admiration for their sacrifice, they may feel bitter and resentful and make remarks about how people take advantage and don’t appreciate them.Covert narcissists are oftentimes really good parents when the kids are young, when they’re getting attention, when they’re still cute and they still look up to their parents, because their egos are being stroked.
If the child agrees with the covert narcissist parent, or if they engage in conversation that the covert narcissist parent is interested in, then they’re there, and all is well.
But if the child starts thinking for themselves, or if they have any belief that’s different, or any way of life that’s different, then they’ll turn on the child and try to control and manipulate them in different ways and then oftentimes discard them “I don’t want to see you anymore”. And then oftentimes when they do that, they’ll use another sibling and put all their love into that sibling to further hurt the other one.
With a spouse or romantic partner, the discard is sudden and shocking, and everything you have opened up about for so many years, all of a sudden gets turned on you like a fire hose.
It’s an incredibly confusing and painful time because they’re suddenly treating you so terribly. It literally feels like they’re treating you like the trash that they throw out. You just can’t believe that this person that you thought was so kind and actually loved you is treating you so badly and it makes you question everything. What was true? Was there ever love? Was this an illusion the whole time?
To heal they require better insight, to some extent, but incapability to make meaningful change)
Feeling hated at all times Anger/hatred constantly bubbling below the surface. Victim KNOWS how to start fight, but doesn’t.
Narcissists born of other narcissists is the common pattern. But, super interestingly, there seem to be gender divides in how these circumstances will affect individuals.
Signs of being under covert narc abuse
Nervousness/perfectionism. You can never win, you can never be “better” from their perspective. The narc isn’t LOOKING FOR THAT. Just accusing and frustrating people. Victim tries to qualify everything, explain everything. Especially anxious near/communicating with the narcissist.
Reluctant to say anything to indicate weakness or vulnerability. Everything you say will be used against you. Quickly learn not to share weaknesses… and eventually good news, because that response is not good, either. They might even destroy the good situation or try to halt it in the future.
Distorted view of others’ relationships. Narc relationships look normal to you. Functional relationships look abnormal. Sets a benchmark/standard for how relastionshps cause suffering
Goals feel “not big enough.” Compared to the narc goals, your goals are unmbitious. You aren’t shooting high enough with realistic dreams.
Goals don’t matter. You’re selfish when you want anything, even when reasonable. You don’t have any rights. Especially don’t believe you have the right to be happy. Disregard your goals until you do too.
Feel 100% responsible for all things in the relationship. Inappropriate guilt. Happens through gaslighting, by saying you are the problem.
Highly distrusting of everything other people say. Hypervigilant because others are always lying. You don’t trust the narc because they’re manipulative, so you generalize to everyone.
Can’t remember last time you weren’t tired. Doesn’t cost much to create damage, but you constantly try to prevent it… that is costly. You are always defensive, which puts you on edge and takes a ton of effort.
Expect that others have turned against you. Because narc recruits agents and intimidate those they can’t control. So you never get support or understanding about the relationship.
Don’t bother speaking up about feelings or experiences. Catch them doing something wrong, they will not be held accountable. In fact, you start to assume the blame for whatever they did wrong. No point in communicating with them.