https://www.patreon.com/posts/abuser-tactics-50728253
So, there’s nothing like getting out nice and early for a long job/hike to shake connections out of your head. Finally getting up and out by 7am again, and feeling great.
This morning, my brain was consumed by: vividly dreaming of a lost love 8 years ago, remembering leaving my abuser on THIS DAY 2 years ago, and having some early thoughts about a new post on typical abuse patterns. Happy Saturday!
Here’s what I’m chewing on.
So abusers are unpredictable, chaotic, and impossible to manage, right? Well, right. But… I think I’ve been seeing a few trends looking at current and past experiences. And they’re actually pretty easy to understand from the Narcspective.
It’s first a wild, emotional, unreasonable, overly personal attack. Why would YOU make ME feel this way?
Then an offer for mutual emotional relief in exchange for the narc regaining control. Can’t we all acknowledge that you REALLY fucked up, but I’ll let it go, if……?
Followed by a period of confusion when the narc falls silent and re-think their options. Why aren’t things working for me this time, like they always have?
Which leads to a new escalation attempt, now leveraging the more subtle emotional abuse tactics with planning and concerted effort. You REALLY want to find out how miserable I can make you?
Here’s what I’m noticing. Give me a yay or nay.
Phase one: The outburst.
All emotions. All accusations. Attacks launched impulsively. Often misguided, but the abusee is surprised by the abrupt shift. The narc favors quantity and shock value over quality.
Phase two: The reckoning.
The narc is surprised that didn’t work. They start trying quieter/less aggressive tactics. Triangulation. Fake apologies. Expressions of “empathy.” Extend an “offer of peace” to the abusee that only serves the Narc’s control goals.
Phase three: The withdrawal.
The Narc will retreat and regroup, lick their wounds, and try to process. They quietly self-victimize until the sadness/confusion returns to anger. Internal chaos must be expressed externally. Start plotting more (hopefully) “effective” measures to engage the abusee.
Phase four: The concerted effort.
Master manipulator enters the picture. Gaslighting/beliefs questioning. Trying to force abusee into “victim” box. Attempt to control with resources and increasing threats. Max cruelty. Start to favor quality over quantity.
What’s Phase five?! I’m not sure. The cycle might restart again at one of the previous steps. Or, hell, maybe it’s finally going to get desperate enough to be physical and follow through on threats. Can’t say yet. I’ll be sure to keep you updated if I find out!
Does this agree with your own abuse experiences?