A combo of my notes and research from the web, ala figuring shit out a few years ago.
Patterns: Generally, some demonstration that I’m not a bad person – I’m not doing anything or I’m being directly helpful/cooperative. Leads to her attempt to be friendly out of the blue? When it doesn’t work, she doesn’t get what she wants, she explodes. The first tactic is an attempt at catching you off guard. Then something spit viciously, to cause fear? This will make you more likely to be controllable. When that doesn’t work, it continues to escalate as she runs through her list of usual tactics. Threats are ALWAYS incorporated to elicit fear of the future and compliance in the present to “prevent it.”
Compassionate:
When normal human things happen and she needs a hand. (being physically incapable)
When she asks for anything respectfully, and acknowledges that no one “has” to do anything.
When she communicates directly. Without: threats, shame, accusations, nitpicking.
Not compassionate:
When she’s blaming me for how she feels
When there is no complaint that I can amend. “Making her uncomfortable” isn’t something I can DO differently. “Being in her house” isn’t fixable, and she knows that. “Being downstairs all the time” is what she always wanted.
When she’s pointing out tiny mistakes as evidence of ill will.
When she has offered her help.
When she isn’t interested in talking, just dispelling some of her anxiety/anger.
When she is looking for and causing problems to persist unnecessarily as a “punishment” or some sort of long-term standoff.
When she can’t communicate like an adult to another adult.
When she’s pulling up issues from more than a week ago without intention of discussing them.
Signs of Verbal Abuse https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse#outlook
What’s the difference between verbal abuse and a ‘normal’ argument?
We all get into arguments from time to time. Sometimes we lose our cool and yell. It’s all part of being human. But verbal abuse isn’t normal. The trouble is, when you’re involved in a verbally abusive relationship, it can wear you down and seem normal to you.
Here are some examples of what normal disagreements look like:
They don’t dissolve into name-calling or personal attacks.
They don’t happen every day.
Arguments revolve around a basic issue. They aren’t character assassinations.
You listen and try to understand the other’s position, even when you’re angry.
One of you may yell or say something truly awful out of frustration, but it’s an unusual occurrence and you work through it together.
Even if you can’t agree completely, you’re able to compromise or move on without punishments or threats.
Arguments aren’t a zero-sum game: One person won’t win at the detriment of the other.
Consider it a red flag when the other person engages in these behaviors:
They insult or attempt to humiliate you. Then they accuse you of being overly sensitive or say that it was a joke and you have no sense of humor.
They frequently yell or scream at you.
Arguments take you by surprise, but you get blamed for starting them.
The initial disagreement sets off a string of accusations and dredging up of unrelated issues to put you on the defense.
They try to make you feel guilty and position themselves as the victim.
They save their hurtful behaviors for when you’re alone but act completely different when others are around.
They get into your personal space or block you from moving away.
They hit the wall, pound their fists, or throw things.
They want credit for not having hit you.
Tactics
1. Name-calling
2. Condescension
Condescension is another attempt to belittle you. The abuser’s comments can be sarcastic, disdainful, and patronizing. It’s all to make themselves feel superior.
3. Criticism
There’s nothing wrong with constructive criticism. But in a verbally abusive relationship, it’s particularly harsh and persistent in an attempt to chip away at your self-esteem.
4. Degradation
Abusers want you to feel bad about yourself. They employ humiliation and shame to degrade you and eat away at your confidence.
5. Manipulation
Manipulation is an attempt to make you do something without making it a direct order. Make no mistake about it: It’s meant to control you and keep you off-balance.
6. Blame
We’re all at fault for something once in a while. But a verbally abusive person blames you for their behavior. They want you to believe that you bring verbal abuse on yourself.
7. Accusations
If someone is repeatedly accusing you of things, they may be jealous or envious. Or perhaps they’re the one guilty of that behavior. Either way, it can make you question whether you’re doing something inappropriate.
8. Withholding or isolation
Refusing to talk to you, look you in the eye, or even be in the same room with you is meant to make you work harder to get their attention.
9. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a systematic effort to make you question your own version of events. It can make you apologize for things that aren’t your fault. It can also make you more dependent on the abuser.
10. Circular arguments
It isn’t unusual for two people to disagree or argue about the same thing more than once until they find common ground. But abusers will reignite that old argument again and again just to push your buttons, never intending to meet in the middle.
11. Threats
Outright threats can mean that verbal abuse will escalate. They’re meant to frighten you into compliance.
What to do
If you think you’re experiencing verbal abuse, trust your instincts. Keep in mind there’s a chance it will eventually escalate. Now that you recognize it, you have to decide how you’re going to do something about it.
Reasoning with an abuser is tempting, but unlikely to work. Remember, you’re not responsible for someone else’s behavior.
But you can set boundaries. Start refusing to engage in unreasonable arguments. Let them know you’ll no longer respond to or overlook verbal abuse.
Limit your exposure to the abuser as much as possible. If you travel in the same social circles, you might have to make some difficult decisions. If you can’t avoid the person altogether, try to keep it down to situations where there are other people around.
Then, when you’re ready, cut all ties if you can. Breaking things off with your abuser can be complicated in some situations, like if you live with them, have children together, or are dependent on them in some way.
You may find it helpful to speak with a counselor or join a support group. Sometimes an outsider’s perspective can help you see things in a new light and figure out what to do next.
Outlook
Healing takes time, but it’s important not to isolate yourself. Reach out to supportive friends and family members. If you’re in school, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. If you think it will help, find a therapist who can help you in your recovery.