More note-taking bits, found during exploration of my records from 2021.
Narcissistic mothers
Self-centered Entitlement Admiration
Shame, hypersensitive, resentful = covert
Can a narc mother cause a narc daughter? Getting too little gratification can lead to creating it for yourself. Boom.
4 styles of parenting Authoritarian, obedience without question, punishment. Authoritative, uses reasoning and explanation to influence so standards are clear, assertive but not overly, give child rights. Permissive… what it sounds like. Indifferent, child figures shit out by themselves with independence/no support.
Authoritarian style used by mother leads to vulnerable narcissism in the child. Middle two decrease chances. Indifferent style is unrelated.
Mother parental style doesn’t cause grandiose narc, but vulnerable.
Authoritarian and indifferent narc by father leads to grandiose narcissism, but not vulnerable.
Signs of M-D narc:
Diverting conversation to themselves (can’t talk about daughter’s problems. LOL sometimes that redirection is to complain about problem FROM the DAUGHTER, get criticism not advice)
Competing with the daughter (competing for attention, hitting on BF, no way daughter will ever accomplish as much as the mother, inferior version of the mother)
Feeling like a burden/never should have been born
Failure to protect daughter from another harmful individual (in household, protecting harmer, feeling like daughter deserves it, cruelty)
Emotional unavailability (doesn’t know how to talk about emotions, or only has the wrong kind of emotional availability (making TOO MUCH of daughter’s emotions – calling them angry, violent, crazy, weak, twisted, no validation of feelings)
Controlling and manipulative (guilt trips, wild drama when doesn’t meet expectations, making every issue about themselves, “look” of disappointment instead of verbal)
A debt that cannot be repaid (mother sacrificed so tremendously that it can never be forgiven, must be impressed, if daughter isn’t impressed she’s ingrateful and disappointing)
Gives approval / “love” as a reward for doing what she wants. (No unconditional, all performance based, not really love at all, daughter has to “win” through her performance – not love)
Boundary violations (can’t leave the room, eaves drops, reads diary, no privacy, a ton of judgement about the things that are found, complaining about daughter to other people in front of others)
We generally believe our parents, even though there’s no evidence to support this. They don’t have to be logical/reasonable/rational to have children. “What do parents really know?” What evidence is there that the daughter doesn’t know as much as the parent? We don’t know when they DON’T provide something, because we don’t know what we don’t know. Causes BPD to have a gaping void.
Mother wants daughter to believe that she’s worthless, not good enough, there to meet needs of mother, failure, will continue to be one. Failure is daughter’s fault. Success is mother’s credit. It’s your fault that mom is displeased with you.
Result is: shame, anger, distrust of self, distrust of inner voice, uncertainty, incompetent, hyper sensitive, no boundaries.
Go to therapy. Find out what’s true and not true. Building confidence in your own emotions. Realize that mother failed you as a daughter, in the worst possible way. By making them feel worthless.
Cease contact? Even cutting contact doesn’t really end the relationship. Gotta be able to find peace with it before the relationship can be over officially. Effects can persist beyond absence of contact, even into death. Escaping/ignoring doesn’t work. Must resolve with therapy.
Themes in narc mother and daughter
Incompetent childhood – nullification, demo of power, shame.
Nullification – daughter is never appreciated/shown gratitude, thanked, supported – gives up on goals she once had. Mother makes no mistakes, daughter ONLY makes mistakes. Choose activity that meets mothers needs, might be satisfactory… but probably not. An extension of the mother. “I tried to deserve my existence by being useful.” “She always created arguments that she could win.”
Demo of power – Mother determines what’s permitted, daughter is always wrong – dissatisfaction is all she gets. Rebellion or compliance leads to the same end goal. No variables she can control. Mother can’t regulate behavior – gets cruel. Can’t establish boundaries and her behavior is erratic. May shame in front of others. Trapped. Mother is unstable and unreliable. No power. Comments about hatred over physical appearance. “She showed in every way how disappointed she was in me and how I ruined her life.”
Shame – product of past two. Ashamed because nothing is right and they’re valueless. Form identity on worthlessness, incapability, weakness, imperfection, ineffectiveness. “Ashamed of just existing, tried not to exist and to be obedient.”
Isolated childhood – dependence, blaming, envy/creating façade
Dependence – mother made sure daughter was depenedent, limited contact with others, others are competition, purpose of daughter is to satisfy the mother, all attention went towards the mother in the household, presence was inescapable/undeniable CAN”T FORGET SHE’S THERE, pits daughter against father, not allowed to pursue romance or to tell anyone about the level of control. SECRECY. She never had anything positive to say about others, we weren’t allowed to tell outsides about our home
Blaming – mother can blame her for anything with no reason or logic behind it “master of finding someone to blame afterwards, still don’t know when she’s telling the truth as an adult.” Relationship can never stabilize because you can’t trust them. Never know when you’re being manipulated.
Envy/shiny façade – despises other people to bolster opinion of herself, household has to BE PERFECT, if daughter received compliment mother took the credit, reality of daughter’s life is hugely different than projection of the mother, daughter not allowed to be happy unless it makes mother happy or benefits her. “Can’t tell her about good news.” “respected/trusted outside of house, so no one had any idea what I was going through.” No one will empathize because it looks nice from the outside.
Denied childhood – violence, threatening, rejecting
Violence – mother uses violence for punishment, no provocation is required,
Threatening – constant fear of making mother angry, watching all behaviors and actions, constant fear, be careful about EVERYTHING “everyone was afraid of my mother” “constantly assuring her of her perfection to keep her in a good mood”
Rejection – never had basic safety. Forgotten, ignored, left her alone, allowed others to mistreat daughter. Cruelty, lack of sympathy, doesn’t care. “I was afraid all the time.”
All three lead to SHAME. Other outcomes:
Incompetent – worthlessness
Isolated – turns against other people, towards mother, hypervigilance
Denied – insecurity and fear
Insecure attachment is the final outcome. Which leads to psychopathology.
Commonly struggle to tell anyone about mother’s narcissism. Isolation and feeling alone persists as age proceeds. There is a difficult distortion that’s hard to correct after growing up with it and growing “in the direction” of the mother.
Parental narcissism wreaks havoc that can lead to a lifetime of suffering.