These are more bulletpointed notes from my early days researching narcdom in the family home. May they hit some nerves and neurons for you.
Narcs who play the victim
Looks for people to have compassion and sympathy when it’s not warranted by the circumstances. Deceived. Fabricate stories. Make sure that everyone knows about it. Occurs on a continuum – do it sometimes or do it OVER THE TOP. They can’t win in reality, so they make things up to skew the game. Lack of empathy, very callous, but expect it from others. Most are impulsive, don’t plan out their victim card. Generally want people to see how great/beautiful they are… but want people to feel sorry for them. It’s a baffling mix of narc understanding.
Beliefs and thoughts behind vulnerable narc behaviors
Vulnerable narcs tend to be deceptive, and their insights are limited. But they know their feelings are “off.” Their thoughts are not grounded in reality, just like their behaviors. Distortion occurs intentionally and unintentionally.
Closest to cluster B personality disorders. Narc/BPD.
Signs:
Blame shifting. Specifically, the type where someone makes a criticism to the narc and the narc attacks them. Grandiose narcissist doesn’t worry about criticism. Vulnerable narc hits the insult right back, never even touched by the comment – no absorption. Looking for relief by hurting others. Criticism is for those who aren’t perfect. I only care about important people opinions. BPD version – proved you don’t love me, I must hurt you.
Falsely accusing someone then playing the victim. Never thought you’d stand up for yourself, now how do I erase responsibility. I can’t build up my reputation, but I can discredit you. Antisocial view – I know I’ll get in trouble, but I can get out of it.
Claiming to have memory problems. Just can’t remember ever doing those things. No defense for behavior, so I just forget. It’s word against word, so I’m not going to invest energy to even make up a lie – I just don’t remember. OCPD view – I have other things to get done, so I just don’t remember this.
Bringing up sore topic on purpose. Cause suffering with others by casually bringing up painful event. I like to see people suffer without my actions being the obvious cause. You hurt my feelings the other day, here’s revenge. I’m sad, so I thought you should too. Personality disorder – want you to remember that you’re alone and we only have each other.
Stealing credit from others. You can’t be better than me, I’m better than you in every way. If I had the time I could have done it, but you did… so I’ll take credit for it. I deserve credit for your work because without me you never would have been able to do it. Histrionic – I know I took it, but we’re friends so I thought you wouldn’t mind.
Berating out of nowhere. Seeing you suffer brings me joy or takes away my pain (second). I’m angry to have ordinary person in my presence. I have a need you aren’t meeting and you need to recognize it without me recognizing what it is. If I yell, that will solve the problem. Paranoid view – I think you’re up to no good, if we have this out of nowhere you’ll be caught off guard, be emotional, and confess.
Stops talking without warning. Not who I wanted to be, feeling shame, better to cut off communication than face it. I’ve been disappointed for years. You violated something years ago, I’m still holding a grudge and it’s your fault that you didn’t know I never forgot it. Dependent view – I found someone else to provide support.
Flaunts money that they make without specificity. “six figures” is common. I’m more important and differences can be qualified. Resentful that you’re supier in some areas, here’s where I win. High status people hage money and I awnt that. Paranoid – if you choose to come after me, I have access to resources.
Cold and distant in passive aggressive way. I want you to know that I’m tough enough o make you miserable as long as I want to. War of attrition. I hate that you don’t need me as much as you get older. I don’t have depth or emotional sensitivity to communicate needs. BPD – you plan on rejecting me, so I do it first.
Temporarily confident and domineering in social situation. I’m as strong as a grandiose narc (is vulnerable narc a grandiose failure?). If I act this way, people will follow me. I know that I’m weak, so I’m overcompensating by trying to dominate others. Avoidant view – desperately want to assert self in acceptable way, but I don’t know how to do it.