https://www.upworthy.com/dishonest-harmony-boomer-parent
Stumbled upon an article this morning that provided two excellent phrases for the CPTSD recoverer:
1. Dishonest Harmony (What our families want), and
2. Honest Conflict (What CPTSD rehab inspires and requires)
If you’re also labelled “the shit stirrer,” “the difficult one,” or “the problem,” for bringing up events from the past, attempting to work through conflict rather than ignoring it, or generally having any interest in why you’ve become the person you are… These terms might also be helpful shortcuts to use for your brain.
Ohhh the hours, days, and weeks I’ve lost, trying to figure out why my family takes my mental health work as a personal affront. Trying to talk about anything is an insta-ticket to reactivity, shaming, weaponized tribalism, and general personal attacks. My brain hasn’t been able to move forward, getting stuck on “WHY.”
Of course, protecting their trauma-patterned lives is part of it. They don’t want to change, and fuck you for suggesting that a better way of living is even possible. That would rip the foundation out from underneath them, calling all their lazy coping habits, willful ignorances, and egoic mental games into question.
Plus, the generational trauma in my clan has made it appear that “You’re so lucky it’s not as bad as (fill in tale of abuse),” “this IS the correct way to be,” “and ps – don’t you dare challenge what we’ve had to do in order to get by so far.” If they’re all in it together, depending on these time-locked tales of supposed strength and growth, you’re the asshole for having a contrarian viewpoint.
And there’s also a malignant loyalty to each other, within this contradictorily constantly-resentful crew, that inhibits honest reflection or reprocessing. Their stories protect and rely upon each other’s corresponding narratives of victimhood, herodom, brute strength, and superior intellect compared to the rest of the race. Don’t question mom, or you actually question your siblings too, etc.
Yes, we know, “The family cycle breaker” or “the truth teller” is not a fun and fancy-free position to be in.
But. Still. This brain has been halted in place while spinning in circles, trying to comprehend how my family exilement shook out. My intentions to help myself and them, wildly miscontrued into accusations of warfare, thus enabling globalized hostility, cruelty, and distrust.
These two terms gave me the answer.
Dishonest Harmony – what traumatized families rely on during times when they need each other, to enable continuation of phoney surface-level personal relationships over time “as family does,” or on institutionalized holidays when they’re forced to be in the same room.
i.e. “Just be nice.” “Just get along.” “Just leave it alone.”
Real message: “Just ignore your wants, needs, and pains… and make this easy for everyone by being as shallowly-existent as possible – little more than a cardboard cutout of yourself.”
Heard message: “You don’t matter, only the comfort and convenience of this family / a particular member of this family matters.”
Honest Conflict – what traumatized families cannot deal with after decades of lying to themselves, sweeping problems under rugs, and willfully ignoring the negative consequences of their behaviors onto one another.
i.e. “You know, I carry this lifelong pain and fear that I’m not good enough, and some of it stems from the way that you dismiss my achievements, blame me for my misfortune, and generally speak to me like I’m a very idiotic child. Do you think we could work on communicating differently?” A: “WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS STARTING TROUBLE”
Real message: “I love you and myself enough to want to work on this relationship.”
Heard message: “This is slander. No, we can’t talk about any of that. Life has been nothing but kind to you, and so have I. Now shut the fuck up before I give you something to cry about. Let the war begin, to prove that it’s been peaceful all along.”
So. To pull this togethah.
- No, our families don’t have the same interest in exploring and resolving personal issues and mental bugs as we do.
- They were raised to protect the false appearance of the family, group, or individual at all costs.
- This is inhibitive of reflection or critical thinking.
- The process of CPTSD reprogramming that spawns questions about personal, familial, and generational ways of living / thinking amount to reality-ripping bombs for our traumatized families.
- Thus, our attempts at reprocessing the past and recalibrating ourselves in the present/future are THREATS to the status quo of the family clan, in every way
Takeaways: - By trying to understand and rectify “the problems,” we become “the problem.”
- Because it is easier (and more dishonestly harmonious) to identify us (a singular object) as “the issue,” rather than to explore the myriad circumstances, events, and personal choices that have actually created “the issues.”
- By disregarding, dismissing, and dehumanizing “the shit stirrer,” the brain can reject all of the challenging information introduced by “the shit stirrer.”
- Thus, a false, inauthentic, abuse-reliant “Dishonest Harmony” can return to the dismissive individual’s psyche and the social circle in question, which allows them to continue living and relating exactly as they always have.
Don’t aim for Dishonest Harmony in your relationships. It halts growth and maintains abusive climates.
Aim for Honest Conflict. It promotes growth and allows for relationship authenticity.
And if your family / social network insists that Dishonest Harmony is the only way to be a part of the group… Decide if it’s worth it to you to be a cardboard cutout version of yourself in their presence; an object that they evaluate, regard, and discard according to their own immediate needs.
Some of us don’t mind playing along, becoming “gray rocks” in their presence, to maintain our own version of Dishonest Harmony. If you aren’t affected by their treatment, maintain limited contact, and have a detached attitude towards your group… have at it. You can “have your family and give zero fucks about their abuse, too.” The path to least resistence is Dishonest Harmony.
Some of us are crushed by being the objects of projection and scapegoats for the people we’re supposed to be closest to. If engaging with them leaves your head spinning for days/weeks/months – if you can’t move forward, as you waste energy desperately trying to understand them – if your esteem gets shit sloshed after interacting with them – you might consider going No Contact, and leaving them to their false Harmony while you create an authentic life of peace.
And know, you’re never alone in it.
You aren’t “the only one.”
And none of this generational trauma “is about you.”
No matter what your fakeass family says.
❤️✊🚀
Love, Riots, and Ascension
MFJESS